Death's Never Easy
by FangsAndTutus
Summary: A first person account of Haley dealing with her mother's death; including scenes written from her point of view as well as some other events which were not included. Please bare in mind, I'm not really used to writing in the first person.
1. Chapter 1

Why do people always seem so convinced that death is going to be easy? Within weeks – Days, even – they expect you to have moved on, to forget about the person you once loved, cared about. She's dead now; she's gone, I'll never see my mother's face again. I'll never hear her laugh, or taste her amazing chicken dumpling soup ever, ever again. No-one else understands, how could they? I was always the closest to my Mom; Quinn was always independent, and Taylor never really craved love from our parents. Vivian went off to college when I was eight years old and hardly ever saw our parents; and I hadn't seen any of my brothers since I was young, either. For years, before I'd married Nate, it'd just been Mom, Dad and I. Since Dad had died? She was my world, call me crazy; but she was always there for me, she helped me out with everything, with Nathan, with Jamie...

"I said, are you okay?" Nathan's voice filled my ears and my head snapped up, guiltily. I became aware that I hadn't been paying attention to a word my husband was saying, and now he was looking at me with panic-stricken eyes. It was clear to him that I wasn't myself, he wasn't used to seeing me this way; in the eight years we'd been married he'd seen a lot; he'd seen my compassion, he'd seen my strength, but he'd never seen this. I knew that right then I wasn't Haley James Scott, I was the shell of her; a broken, lost little girl trapped inside myself and, right then, there didn't seem to be a way out. "I'm fine." Of course it was a lie – But, was there really an occurrence when someone claimed 'I'm fine' and meant it? Fine was a lie, plain and simple; fine meant dying inside, destroyed, unsure how to go on.

Lydia James had been an amazing woman, I'd always thought so. She was my mother, my guide, my role model; everything in my world that made sense. Nathan and Jamie were trying now, for me, but they couldn't understand. I was slowly slipping closer and closer to the edge and I didn't want their sympathy. It wasn't going to bring her back, there was nothing that I could do to bring her back, and this was all my fault. I should have tried harder; she'd told us in advance that had pancreatic cancer, she knew she was going to die, I should have helped. I shouldn't have given up like that, it was my duty as a daughter to do all I could to try and save her, to get her help. But, I hadn't. "Why?" The word came out as a sort of strangled cry, and Nathan looked at me; I knew he was worried, he didn't know how to deal with me like this. We were all used to dealing with death, but it didn't usually hit any of us this hard. Especially not me, I was the 'strong one', the one who could deal with anything. Yeah, right.

The presence of another human being was off-putting. I didn't want to be surrounded by the living, my mother wasn't living, and she was the only person in the world who could have appeased me right then. I just wanted to see her face, see a smile touch her lips and to hear her tell me that everything would be alright. But, it wouldn't be alright, would it? Never again. Under normal circumstances, maybe I could have written a song, to ease my pain; allowed the melodies to flow over me and wash away all the hurt, all of the depression manifesting within me and just feel human again.

Treading cautiously, I stepped into the kitchen; my footsteps echoing around and occupying the eerie silence which now seemed to hang over the household. Jamie was long in bed; Quinn was staying with Clay and Nathan? Well, I wasn't sure now, I didn't want to go back to the living room and see how he was doing. Deep down, Haley cared; but me? The person I now felt like I was becoming? She didn't care. She didn't care about anyone but her mother; the loss was too much, far too much. The clear liquid of the vodka poured steadily into the glass, despite my shaking hands, but I didn't much care if I over-poured. I wasn't going to drink it, what would be the point in that? For a few minutes I could numb the pain, drown my sorrows and I probably wouldn't even think about it. But, it would only be a few minutes.

Alcohol was a depressant; I'd known this since I was a young child, it was one of the many reasons I was sensible when it came to drinking...I wasn't going to let it affect my judgement anymore than it was already affected. Instead, I carried the glass through to the back room, to the piano, and sat down there. My dark hung clung to my face, attached by the beads of sweat and the remains of long ago cried out tears, but I didn't try and push it away. I did take a sip of the liquid though; my head was all over the place, to begin with – What would one glass do to me? Placing it upon the top of the piano, I watched as it toppled over onto the keys, pure annoyance jolting into me as I realised nothing wanted to go right for me. Looking up, I became aware of the candles which sat burning away on top of the piano; I thought for only a second, before pushing the candle on the top of the piano over onto the keys. I wasn't even sure when I'd lit the candles, now; the hours bled into days which in no time at all would probably become weeks. I watched as the flames engulfed the ivory keys; heat and smoke beating up at me. I felt no emotion whatsoever, did nothing, didn't even flinch.

I paid no attention as Nathan came towards me, not at first; I was busy thinking of what had already happened that day. I'd walked out on the shoot for what could have potentially been one of the most important music videos in my career; I'd yelled at Jamie for ruining the chicken dumpling soup I'd been attempting to make, when I knew it wouldn't worked anyway – It was a two person recipe, and without my Mom I was hopeless, I couldn't even make some god damn soup on my own. I stared into the fire; it seemed to calm me, if just a little. As he pulled me away; I felt nothing, at all – I wasn't even sure I understood why he was trying to keep me away from the fire, what harm was it going to do, in the long run? Feeling hollow, I watched as the flames were fanned out; feeling a pang of misery as I watched my flames disappear into nothing. "Haley, are you okay?" I heard his words, but why should I answer? He didn't care; he was taking everything away from me, everything.

Continuing to stare blankly towards the mildly melted piano keys, I heard his next words and again refused to answer. "What happened?" I looked to Nathan; really looked at him, and I couldn't understand. Why did he expect me to be okay? I couldn't be okay; I'd lost my mother, and he couldn't know what that was like. Even if Deb was a junkie, she was still alive; it was he that didn't bother to stay in touch with her, I'd been as close as I could be with my own mother – So why was it me who had to go through the gruelling pain and heartache of losing her? "I'm going to go and call my Mom." The words blurted from my mouth before I could even think about them, but I felt better the moment I thought that. I could still keep in touch with her – That wasn't too hard, was it? With a new found urgency and fear, I walked away from him; leaving the glass behind, leaving the piano behind and seemingly, leaving my sanity behind. I headed towards the door; thinking of nothing but my Mom. I need her then, needed to make sure she was okay, needed to know I'd be okay. That was all I needed.


	2. Chapter 2

Days had passed; simply days, but it felt like so much longer. I'd been leaving messages on my mother's voice mail and it felt strangely like I was still connecting with her. I suppose I knew, deep down, that she'd never hear them, that no matter what I did she was still dead and no amount of calling her cell phone was going to bring her back. It did seem to help though; each and every time I heard her voice on the machine, it brought a smile to my lips. It wasn't a proper smile, of course; it the ghost of a smile, just as was the ghost of a girl. "I miss you." The words echoed through the empty space that surrounded me, and I couldn't bring myself to smile this time. Although her voice was a comfort, there were only so many times I could listen to the words 'Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you' before I realised that she never would get back to me.

It was in a moment or pure rage that I flung the cell phone at the wall. Jamie was out playing with Andre; Nathan was playing basketball at the River Court (Both trying to stay 'out of my hair', I'd heard Nathan telling our son, earlier) and I was alone. The silence was deafening and the loneliness contained a dull pain intensified by my grief. All I could do to stop myself from crying out was watching as the phone smashed into a million pieces on the ground. The screen smashed down the middle; the back split in half and the insides spilled out like guts on a dissection table. In a moment of realisation, I stared in horror; I couldn't call her, anymore, couldn't hear her voice even for just those few, magical seconds.

Filled with a new found depression, I stumbled from the house into the back yard, staring into the pool as though mesmerised; enthralled by the deep, vastness of it. To most it would seem like a moment of madness, but to me it felt like a moment of freedom, as I imagined throwing myself from the patio and down into its depths. I'd be free down there; it'd be over quickly, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything. The pain which seemed to cripple me, having infested every inch of my body, would wash away and, if I was lucky, I'd be able to see her again. Closing my eyes, I witnessed myself jump into the water, and it was a thrilling experience; I sunk to the bottom and didn't even have to try and fight against it. Jamie's persistence pulled me from my inner most thoughts, but I couldn't look at him, no matter how many times he said 'momma', despite the urgency which seemed to fill his tone.

Had it been any other day, I'd have been happy to talk to Jamie; I was his mother, and he needed me to be there for him. But, why did he deserve to have his mother there for him, when mine couldn't be there for me? He'd made his own breakfast, I vaguely heard him tell me that; big deal, I made my own breakfast every morning, and no-one ever said 'well done' to me. "What do you want, a gold star?" I knew I sounded bitter, but I couldn't have cared less. Guilt didn't seem to exist, even as he walked away from me looking more than a little disappointed. He may have been my son, but he was seven years old, he could take care of himself – At least, that's what the woman wearing my face right then seemed to think.

With more of an urgency, I continued to stare into the swimming pool and I could practically feel the water engulfing me; feel it trickle into my lungs, and I felt free. I knew that within half an hour I was supposed to go to see a 'specialist', which I knew basically just meant a psychiatrist. I'd been seeing her for two weeks and it was clear she, and everyone else, thought I was crazy. Crazy? What's crazy about a girl missing her mother? I don't understand it; it's almost as confusing to me as dealing with the death, itself. Already, Nathan had offered to spend the day with me instead, but I wasn't sure I wanted him to – I didn't like him seeing me like this, I was scared; in the back of my mind, I vaguely recalled his accident, those few painful months when he hadn't been playing basketball. Back then, he'd been the one who was depressed and I'd been at the end of my tether, several times I'd almost up and left.

The concept of losing him too was overwhelmingly painful, and it was why I had to withdraw from him, and from everyone else. I couldn't lose them in any shape or form, and allowing them to get close to me right then could involve an awful lot of loss, when the Haley James Scott that no-one knew was the one in the driving seat. In the end, I agreed to go; simply because I knew if I didn't I'd hear no end of it. If there was one thing I knew, even whilst my entire mind was filled with thoughts of misery and loss, I knew Nathan Scott; and I knew he wasn't going to give up anytime soon. I soon regretted my decision, as he left me sitting at a table in the pier on which we'd had our first tutoring session – It was clear now that his intent was to take me for a walk down memory lane, when I was so much more comfortable basking in depression drive.

Was it clear I was ignoring him as he quoted something I'd long ago said, to me? I didn't listen, I simply stared at the box of Cracker Jack's with a look which would mean nothing to no-one but me; a look of pure pain, this moment was killing me. "It's not going to change anything Nathan, whatever prize you find in that box...it's not going to fix me." I pointed out; and I meant it, too. I didn't understand why he was doing this to me, when it was clear nothing could have helped me by this point, not unless he intended for the prize to be some kind of magic machine which could whisk me back in time to save my mother from developing cancer in the first place. "Why not? It fixed me." It was clear he was serious, but I couldn't take him as being so; he was so full of crap right then, I simply rolled my eyes and looked away as he took hold of my hand; knowing that I wouldn't reciprocate the touch, but keeping a tight grasp anyway, even then, it meant a lot.

Walking home, I would swear the streets of Tree Hill were watching me, judging me, waiting for me to do something stupid. I felt cut off from the rest of the world; all of it, the people, the places, even the inanimate objects which could do nothing more than mill around, seeming to watch me. Maybe it was just paranoia talking, but I still couldn't look at anything but the floor as shuffled along the streets and back to the house. _I want my Mom, I want my Mom, I want my Mom_. My mind was constantly screaming those four words; like a small child lost in large shopping mall, only in my world it wasn't the child who was lost, it was the mother, lost for all eternity.

Arriving back at the house, Nathan in tow, I had only one choice. He'd leave me alone, there was no doubt about that; I wasn't speaking with him - or with anyone - right then, and he had other things to worry about than his depressed wife. With the hope no-one would bother me for the time being I made a beeline for the back door, out into the open air, the cold breeze rushing manically over my shaking arms and neared the edge of the pool. This time, there was no stopping; no standing by and thinking it over, there was only one thing to do, and I could do it in a flash. Intentionally allowing my foot to shift too far forward, I stepped out above the water, feeling my body crash below the surface within seconds. I should have been struggling for breath, only I wasn't, there was no struggling involved, I was quite happy to sink slowly to the bottom. Bubbles gushed up from my mouth and I knew my body would automatically try to disobey, but I continued pushing down, allowing the water to take over me, a lack of oxygen slowly becoming apparent as I sunk further and further down.


	3. Chapter 3

If I'm honest, I didn't feel like I was drowning; drowning is near death experience, is it not? But there was nothing to suggest that death was coming for me, nothing at all. I was completely comfortable where I was; just floating beneath the surface with nothing but my final thoughts. At least, I'd assumed they'd be my final thoughts; but then they all flooded in at once, and I realised I couldn't do this. I saw everything; the first tutoring session with Nathan, the bracelet he slid on my wrist, our first kiss, the other kisses in the rain, our wedding day (make that both of our wedding days), the birth of Jamie, the times we'd had as a family; and I could feel it all, how happy I'd been...Then came the memory of nearly losing Nathan, how I'd felt that day when he'd jumped into the river to save Rachel and Cooper and I'd never expected to see him again.

I couldn't do it. If losing me would make Nate feel anything like what I felt that day; I couldn't do it to him, I loved him far too much for that. _You're Haley James Scott; you're stronger than this, and you can fight it._ My mind was positively screaming by this point and I was attempting to fight against and swim back up to the surface, my lungs were slowly filling up with the water, though, and attempting to regain control of the situation seemed too hard. As though by magic; by some kind of unseen force which brought Nathan to me in times of need; his arms were around me, pulling me up and bringing me back to life. All I had wanted was to feel again and it was safe to say, I'd felt something then, something strong; and I'd never let anything affect me like that again. He was speaking to me, holding me above the water and hugging me, but I could hear nothing as I sobbed against him before hugging him tightly and clinging onto him for dear life.

We never did tell Jamie. Nathan lifted me from the water and I clung to him, feeling like a small child. I was weak, vulnerable and mildly scared, mostly of myself. Why had I let myself get like this? I didn't understand, I doubted I'd ever understand. We didn't speak anymore of it, of the action which I refused to consider as attempted suicide; and instead we went to bed without so much more of a word. It was the first night in a long time that I'd felt like myself again, the first night I'd so much as slept in the same bed as Nathan since my Mom had died. I slept in his arms; held onto him tightly and simply cried until eventually I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. This was the beginning of a rocky road back to normality, and I was only glad that I could finally breathe again.

"I was just trying to feel something. Like, alive I guess." Explaining felt odd, especially to this stranger; especially sitting in that chair and feeling judged, having in my inner most thoughts and feelings written onto a piece of paper like they were nothing too important. I did listen to him, though; I knew in the long run this would help me.

"And did that make you feel alive?"

I took in his words and for a moment wondered his motive – why did he want to know if it made me feel alive? I felt quick to suspect there was something more to this than him wanting to help me, but I knew I was just paranoid. Instead of jumping down his throat, I simply answered this question; slowly, cautiously.

"No. But, it made me want to." I wiped at my tears; and looked to him, aware that I was shaking like a leaf. He continued on talking to me about depression, and although I listened intently I had nothing to say – What did I say to that? I hated being told that I was suffering with a mental illness, as common as depression was; I hated feeling like I allowed my emotions to take over me. I didn't want that. "Can I go now?" I spoke with about as much patience as a kindergarten teacher would have after hours on end of the class running riot. Eventually, though, he nodded and I left without so much as a second glance.

Now could come a fresh start; a new Haley. Well, perhaps not; but I could revert back to my old self and no longer feel like I was someone new, someone that no-one was familiar with, and more importantly, someone I didn't want to be. I stood within the back room of the house, looking out into the garden, my eyes fixated momentarily on the pool. I'd be an idiot to think that I could fix myself that way, that by almost ending my life I could make myself feel alive, in the process. Eventually, I became aware of Jamie playing outside and I moved away heading out there myself the hat I'd bought him in my hands. Julian's movie premier in Utah was coming up, and I knew for a fact my son wanted to go – I wasn't going to stop him from doing so, just because I wasn't in the greatest frame of mind.

Convincing him that I was willing for the three of us to go the premiere didn't take long; and for the first time in what seemed like a life time, I was smiling. There was something about Jamie that reminded me of my Mom; whether it was his caring nature, or his smile, or the way he looked at me sometimes, I didn't know, but whatever it was, it made me realise that she wasn't completely gone. "Jamie." I spoke softly as he walked away; my emotions were still in tatters, and I didn't think the seven-year-old deserved anymore to be taken out on him. With a light smile, which felt almost foreign on my face due to the amount of tears and frowns lately, I held the gold star out to him. "I love you." I meant it; I truly did, if there were only two people in the world who could make me feel better about losing my mother it would be Jamie and Nathan; I loved them more than they could possibly know.


	4. Chapter 4

Depression never just went away, it wasn't possible that I'd just wake up one day and feel completely fine. It'd take time, and an awful lot of effort. But, by the time the trip to Utah came around I felt better. I wasn't completely myself and socialising wasn't at the top of my agenda, but I was there, and that was what mattered. I watched through the window as everyone else played out in the snow, and if I'm honest I felt left out. It was like being a young child – It seemed the comparisons to being young were never ending these days – watching as all my friends played, but not being able to join in for myself. It didn't make me upset; as Nathan smiled to me through the glass, I smiled back and simply watched as he and Jamie played. It was nice to see that; to see them having a good time, that was what was important in life, and I wasn't going to forget that again.

The day swiftly moved to night, and I felt like time now sped by even faster than it had when I just wanted it all to be over. I simply sat with Nathan, basking in his company, thanking my lucky stars that I had someone like him to bring me through everything.

"I know you just came here for Jamie, and I love you for that."

I shifted then, looking at him; really looking at him, for the first time in weeks. "Please don't think I take that for granted, because I don't. I'm so grateful for who you've been through all of this, how you've been-" It was hard to keep my emotions in check, I was crying slightly and I just wished it was easier to explain.

"There's no other way for me to be. You've saved me so many times. I worry that I've been selfish with you, that I've taken advantage of your strength and your selflessness. I feel like I've broken you somehow."

His words sunk in quickly and as much as they shouldn't, they hurt. I didn't want him to feel to blame for this, it was his fault; that wasn't fair on him. "No no no," I smiled, shaking my head. "You haven't. You didn't. I just- I have a weight in my heart now, that I didn't have before. It was lighter today, though."

The kiss we shared then felt so magic; it was only gentle, but seemed filled with so much passion, I couldn't argue that his love had been what pulled my through. My lips moved rhythmically with his for only several seconds; smacking in a loving manner, before I pulled back and simply looked at my husband. I'd been a fool to think that without my Mother I'd be a bad wife and mother; that was almost impossible, with such an amazing man standing by as my husband.

For most of the Utah trip, I'd stayed happily on my own; but when Quinn had asked me to go walking, I couldn't decline. As much as I'd neglected to think of her lately, she was my sister, and although hers wasn't as intense, she was still dealing with the same grief I'd been fighting against for the last few weeks. The conversation seemed a blur to me, but maybe I was still too busy thinking of my mother since she seemed to be the main source of conversation. Only one thing stuck in my mind; the owl. Ever since I was a little girl, I recall my Mom saying she believed in reincarnation – She'd always believed that if a person died it was much more likely that their soul and spirit would be reborn into an animal, rather than float off to some eternal paradise. Quinn said she believed she'd become an owl; and when I saw a snowy owl looking at me from up on a perch, I couldn't help but feeling some closure.

Always, she'd be watching over me. She really, really would; whenever I needed her, my mother would be there, and seeing that bird had only proved that. She knew that her youngest born needed her and always would. If I looked hard enough, I'd always find her. That thought pulled me through the rest of the Utah weekend; it was almost over by the time I saw the owl, but I knew then that everything was going to be okay, no matter what happened next. I had my family and friends; and somewhere, even just within my heart, I'd always have my mother, too. The next few hours were spent playing in the snow; sledding and messing about, having a good time. One of the things had missed out on a lot over the last few weeks had been fun, and it was nice to do something which could cheer me up; not make me forget, I'd never, ever forget her, but I could move on. That was the hard part, but in the end, it was inevitable.


	5. Chapter 5

It was nearly a month later I remember returning home and telling Nathan the news. I knew he was shocked to find me crying, after everything, I'd been okay; I'd been acting strong, and he thought everything was fine. Walking into the bedroom with a tear-stained face wasn't the best of idea, but I couldn't help it; I hadn't feel this happy in a long time. Sitting on the bed, I grinned, looking at him as he asked if I was okay; trust Nathan to think the worst. "These aren't sad tears, they're happy tears." I knew I'd confused him, but I was too excited; I was eager to tell him, to get it all out in the open.

"Alright, well how about from now on we use smiles for happy instead. What is it?" He was gazing at me intently, and I knew the smile on my lips showed that I was truly happy, that nothing in the world could bring me down right then.

"I'm pregnant. And I think it's going to be a girl." I grinned at him; we'd been trying for a while now, but had pretty much given up on the whole baby thing after the aftermath of my Mom's death. She'd wanted us to have a second child, and although a part of me was said that our son or daughter would never met their Grandmother; and my Mom would never meet her second grandchild, I was also happy that we got to fulfil her wish, and I was confident that where ever she was, looking down over me, she'd be as happy as I was. Nathan was definitely as happy as I was, if not more so; the way he grinned in disbelief and muttered 'oh my God' several times made that much clear. For a little while, we simply kissed and I felt on top of the world.

I recall, with perfect clarity, lying back on the bed and looking at him. He simply held me in his arms, before carefully placing a hand upon my stomach; his large hands having a surprising gentle touch as he rubbed his thumb up and down affectionately. "You really think it's going to be a girl?" He gazed at me intently and I knew he was excited to be a father again – It was only a shame he'd be away playing for the NBA throughout most of the pregnancy, and I'd be stuck dealing on my own.

"I do," I promised him, my own hands resting on top of his. "And I was thinking..." I paused, I didn't want to sound like I was still obsessing over my mother's death, but I wanted to do this; it would make her happy, it would make me happy and it would mean that no matter how different this baby was from my Mom, there'd still be a connection there other than the fact they'd be blood related. "If we do have a girl...I think we should call her Lydia, after my Mom. I think she'd like that." I was scared, a little, that he'd shove my idea aside, that he'd hate the name and tell me there was no way we were name our daughter Lydia.

"Lydia," He agreed with me, nodding his head. "I like that." It was as simple as that; we lay there in pure bliss, unaware of anything going down with any of our friend's right then. I felt like I was finally happy, finally my life could continue the way it used to be, and we could bring this baby into the world, and tell her – Because I was sure it would be a girl – stories of her grandmother, the woman she was named after, and throughout her life, despite never having known my mother, she'd look up to her; the way I did. Shutting my eyes, we both fell to sleep; our hands on my stomach and my thoughts of my Mom and the baby I was carrying. They'd never be the same person, she wasn't going to be a small carbon copy of the woman I missed, and longed to have back in my life; but they'd share a name and maybe a few more similarities, if there was one thing I knew, it was that my Mom would love this baby, and although I knew then that death was never easy; I also knew that when one life ended, another began; and I may now have lost both of my parents, but Jamie and the unborn Scott child would have the most loving parents anyone could imagine – I'd make sure of that.


End file.
